On missed opportunities and the art of self-deception…

I did not do the whole blog thing back in high school, so I have no electronically documented words from September 11, 2001.  I remember it, though, and the disgust with my fellow Americans that I felt shortly thereafter.  In light of the recent killing of Osama Bin Laden, I thought I would take the time to jot down some thoughts on the unfolding events within the context of those mixed feelings I had nearly 10 years ago.

That day, running out the door to catch my ride, I was met with somber faces and talk radio in place of the usual laughter and hip hop jams when I opened the car door.  I stepped up to get into the jeep when my friend simply asked, “Did you hear?”  Hear what?  I ran back into the house to my dad in his suit and told him the twin towers in New York had just been attacked, to which he responded by laughing out loud, so great was his disbelief.  So, I told him to turn on the TV, and there, clear as day, was footage of a plane exploding into one of the twin towers.  We sat and watched for a minute, watched the second tower go down, and then I ran back out to the car for the sullen ride to school.

We talked about the attack in almost every one of my classes that day.  Unfortunately, or fortunately, my first class of the day was “Faith in Action” or “Good kids pretend to do Christian things but just end up setting up chapel” class.  We prayed and talked and reflected.  What I remember from that day is being wary.  Very wary.

this is the america we live in

Following that day there was an outpouring of nationalism.  I remember the tension I felt, the internal battle between what is good and right and just and what is blinded by fear and pain and uncertainty masquerading as goodness and righteousness and justice. This tension never really went away, even as the dust around ground zero cleared and our sights were set on God knows who else.  Quite the contrary, actually, as I felt increasingly ambivalent about the situation, with new events, intelligence, and attacks only adding to the confusion as to who was and how to determine what constituted the good and the right and the just.  Then we found ourselves in the midst of war.  “War.”  Our war was a war on ideas, and ideas can never be “won” short of total elimination of their proselytizers, and what about that is not genocide?  And, then, in what situation, EVER, is genocide good and right and just?

This continued unease makes it impossible, certainly, to celebrate the death of Bin Laden, but also to be ever so quick to promulgate pacifism and (nearly) chastise those who experience and exhibit joy in the wake of this monumental event.  As many of my friends have intimated throughout the last 16 hours, we do not celebrate the death of anyone and any act of violence is surely indicative of brokenness rather than strength.  But, it is also true that I will never know what it felt like to have a loved one die in the twin towers, a seemingly senseless death (at least directly).  And, I do not know what it is like to have someone close to me shipped off and broken because of this War on Terror that we were so quick to declare.  So, how can I say what is good and right and just to them?

No matter what our part as a people and as a nation in contributing to the beliefs that led to the enduring conflict that provided the context for September 11, most of those people did not even know they were a part of it, may never know they were a part of it.  The war was theoretical to them, not participatory.  Strength in self and each other, retribution, and a plan…these were all things that made sense to them.  Yet, these were all things that finally made me feel truly afraid.  Too many were ready to take up arms and the rally cry, too many were willing to sacrifice quality for propaganda.  It was strange to realize the danger that such nationalism could engender simply by listening to the radio.  Terrible, terrible songs were hailed as great anthems, simply by talking about loving America and kicking ass and killing Bin Laden or Muslims or whatever group of middle eastern terrorists (or non-terrorists) our ignorant American minds could muster out of perceptions of outgroup homogeneity and a desire to blame.

Given all of that, I do not have a response to last night’s events that can be summed up in a phrase or quote or two.  I think sentiment in one direction or the other ultimately fails to do justice to either.  I have enjoyed reading my friends’ comments on the side of peace and caution (what can I say, I have awesome, liberal, pro-peace people in my life) and cannot escape the excitement and relief captured by countless media outlets.  What I would like to add to the commentary is simply an observation.  Throughout the past nearly 10 years, we yearned for an enemy that we could call by name, one who would allow us to ignore all of the aspects of ourselves that we feared to face and to focus on something much easier.  Yes, Osama Bin Laden has done terrifying, terrifying things and more than deserved to be brought to justice.  But, as many have stated already, this is not the end.  Just as the death of Hitler did not stop beliefs of white power and anti-Semitism, and the death of Martin Luther King, Jr. did not stop beliefs of equality and the civil rights movement, the death of Osama Bin Laden will not stop cultural dissension and militant nationalism.  It will not even stop this war.  Instead, I see the death of Bin Laden as a second chance, providing us with another opportunity to take a good look at ourselves and the state of this world, an opportunity to finally face what we are so afraid to face, and to begin the arduous but life-giving, life-celebrating process of humble progress and loving, justice-filled change.  I hope, pray, plead that we do not let this opportunity, yet again, pass us by unmet.